What to DO?

Let’s start with, yes this is written for women in mind but in reality, men, if your woman doesn’t know what you want, what then? This can apply to any relationship... relationships matter.

Did you watch “Everybody Loves Raymond?” It’s a show that got on my nerves! Let’s just say it shouldn’t represent family relationships. But that is not the topic at hand. One of the episodes focuses on Debra PMSing (this blog is NOT focusing on the PMSing). I didn’t have PMS issues… ever… so I do not relate. I’m sorry if you dislike me because of that. Just ask Todd, unless he is lying to me, he never noticed it either. Anyway, Ray doesn't know what to do. Debra is very upset and says to him “don’t you think sometimes I just want a hug?” His reply, “It’s pretty hard to hug someone who’s trying to kill you!” And then after a huge Kaboom of an argument, Ray reaches out to hug her. She explodes. “Do not touch me!” I totally get it. I mean, that’s a negative, Ghostrider. He even goes so far as to buy all the OTC medications to help her. Her response? “everything except for bitchy right Ray?” I mean, kudos to him because at least he was doing something instead of just vegging in front of a tv and ignoring her. So many people saying what he did through the entire show was wrong. But what about how she treated him?

So, let's put ourselves in their shoes... what do you think she was thinking? Things I have literally thought and said… “I mean, if he loves me he would know me enough to know what to do. Right?! I want him to figure it out already! He should know!” Have you said those things? Just me? If you say so. But I'm betting Debra was thinking those things. The thing is… it makes me feel that he just doesn’t get me when he knows me better than I know myself. We’ve been married 30 years and here we are amid another debacle he doesn’t know how to get out of. Does this mean we have a bad relationship? NOPE. It’s the cycle of a relationship. You will get to a point where these only come up occasionally though.

You know that perfect couple… yeah, the one you think has it all together. You do realize they have kabooms too right? When you put two individuals together in the same space, with different personalities, wants, desires, and expectations, for an expanded amount of time, an argument will take place. Not everyone is going to get what they want. Bummer, I know. So what do we do? The old me would just scream and yell, throw a fit, you know, like a two-year-old. But that was before I learned the tools. The best thing I learned to do was to pray. And pray I did! Only I prayed for God to change him because he was the one in the wrong. Here's a good one for ya, God let me know that I needed to change and not worry my pretty little head about him. Really? What is He thinking telling me I need to change?! Gotta give Him credit though, He is always right and I have to focus on what He wants me to do. You see the capitals on the H – I’m talking about God here, not Todd. Just in case you didn’t catch it.

Now, back to the tools... When Weston was little his favorite show was Bob the Builder. He would say “Can we fix it? Yes, we can!” If you have tools and use them properly, you can fix anything!!! How awesome is it to know you can make repairs, and maintain, your relationship so there are fewer kabooms? Learn the tools of the trade and use them regularly. You can’t just use them for a bit and things get better and lay them down. Very first thing you need to do… build a friendship with your spouse. If you don’t have a steady foundation of friendship, it makes it very difficult. These are super tools:

1. Assertive speaking (not getting in their face): stating what you want, why, when, where and how you want it, in a very nice loving manner – a calm discussion but do not hesitate to be yourself

2. I, not you – when someone is breaking up they say “it’s me, not you” so they don’t hurt the other person… this is the same way, start with I need this from you, don’t start with blaming him for it – ex: “I am feeling unloved and hurt because your work takes you away from me.” NOT: you are never home. You don’t love me.

3. Active listening – without responding emotionally: after using the assertive, I not you approach, the spouse that is listening would repeat the sentence: ex: So you are saying that my work takes me away from you too much and it makes you feel unloved and hurt?

4. Try to see things from their perspective. Your view is not theirs. Even if your pride is that you are not the problem and it is your spouse. Reverse the roles, take a look at that 9 upside and see the 6 so you can begin the repairs.

I mean, there may be times that you apply the tools for months and nothing changes. It happens. It makes you just want to pull your hair out! And makes you want to stop trying. It seems as if you are the only one trying, then why try, right? Now what? For every couple it’s different. I’m all about the go away thing. “Slow Your Roll Dude.” But how does he know what to do and when to do it? It’s up to him, isn’t it? Nope. Men are not mindreaders. So after I lovingly tell him all the things like he is a great husband, provider, and dad. He is a great helper, especially with cooking. He is leading his company with integrity and character. All. The. Things. Without expecting anything in return and even if I don’t think he deserves it. Then I tell him what I need/want. Generally speaking, once the guys know what we need, they really want to fix it. Sometimes they are a little rebellious and it takes time. All he needs is just a little help from his friend.

If, like Ray, he doesn’t know when it’s okay to hug you… maybe you should tell him.